I just finished reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years of age. Even though on the inside I am a complete mess, I always try look cheerful by putting a smile on my face trying to look happy in front of the others.
Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. My abnormal usage of alcohol was not only "genetic susceptibility" or my lack of self-control.....my use of alcohol to relief and sustain me develop as a result of many problems in my life. I never had a rosy childhood; My father was unfaithful probably due to my mother being obese and lacking in confidence leaving me without attention and care. Psychologically, I was strong.
This might sound strange, but during my high school days, alcohol never appealed to me. And Luckily at that time I can attend a prestigious school that proud on its student's academic records'but the students there turned out really like having a party, they were party animals. At that moment my journey of experiencing a free youth's world began, I often behave inappropriately - I tend to got hangovers because too much drinking last night, I tend passed out, and occasionally having inappropriate sexual activities.
I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.
I arouse one morning, naked in bed with some guy in a frat home in Montreal'.. I look back and it is really a miracle I didn't get badly harmed, land up in an infirmary or drunk tank or pregnant.
Life advanced on - I turned into an enlisted nurture, acquired an experts degree and dated a pleasant individual. We drank wine on ends of the week when we were as one and at times amid the week I would buy a jug for myself.
After that comes a moment when I got married, I got pregnant twice, both I had it when I completely abstained of alcohol. Be that as it may, then as life continued, maturing guardians, ADHD kid, worried, compulsive worker spouse with outrage issues.....wine on ends of the week got to be wine Thursday-Sunday.
We got too much cases of wine on our home because my husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own"'. Often we drank a bottle or two wine at evening, it was our nightly ritual'. I secretly mixed my own cocktails and hide the glass in my baking cupboard so my husband won't find it
After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. In the mornings, first thing I carry out is examine my I-phone to observe whom I may have unknowingly texted while drunk.
But there is more - two years ago I had a very serious emotional relationship with one of my son's friend's fathers. The relationship never got intimate (besides a few hugs and staying very close at sporting venues) but if some of you have read about (or witnessed) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and fierce, if not more so then a physical love affair. The beep of my phone which signifies the entry of a message always gave me that ecstatic sensation. Regularly, our phone conversation transpired for long durations and intermittently as well.
I felt really happy, happier that I had ever been. The relationship was getting dangerously near intersection the sexual line and he pulled back. I was emotionally wounded and desolate, so my use of alcohol grew.
Alcohol calmed my frayed nerves.
I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The drunken episodes:
Being completely drunk at a party last year.
Blind drunk at my sister's 50th birthday
Fulminating messages on my iPhone
Creating a scene in the presence of my children.
Hitting my fist at my husband in the face
An absolute screeching clash one night when my son had a friend spending the night as a guest
I am in advising which has been an epiphany.....plus perusing Ann's book and now finding this site and perusing comparable stories. I feel that I finally got straight, ready to come home.